We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
