the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
