OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
