if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
