she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
