I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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