Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
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I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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