Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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