now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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