don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
