Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
