wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
They took my balls.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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