Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
