oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's shark week go big or go home
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
