We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
