theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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