i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
