I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
