The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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