Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
