There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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