I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
