Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
