if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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