I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
not ubering you a puppy
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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