Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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