When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
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i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize