i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
