When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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