I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
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Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
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I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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