In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize