my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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