you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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