piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
