did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
