Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
