John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
