what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
