I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
