I wish you could order shots online.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
