I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
