hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
