totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
