So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
