1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
time to smoke my breakfast
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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