I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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