You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize