I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
