i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
