Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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