if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
