If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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