He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
