Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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