I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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